1
00:00:02,837 --> 00:00:04,837
Well, thank you, thank you.

2
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:06,505
      And welcome
      to the Second Annual

3
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:09,375
      Tanner Invitational
      Croquet Tournament.

4
00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:11,643
            - Yay!
            - Okay.

5
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:15,147
         Uh, introducing
         the defending champions

6
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:16,749
          Lynn and Brian Tanner.

7
00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:17,883
           - 'Yeah.'
           - Whoo!

8
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,718
          - 'Alright.'
          - Yeah.

9
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,653
       And the challengers, Kate

10
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:25,524
          and, uh-uh, of course,
          Willie Tanner.

11
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,426
           Boo! Hiss!

12
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,628
        Murder the bums!

13
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:32,798
I thought referees were
   supposed to be impartial.

14
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,967
    [blows whistle]
    That's it, mouthing off.

15
00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:36,502
       You're outta here.

16
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,604
    I think we need
    a referee with at least

17
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:41,373
          a nodding acquaintance
          with the rules.

18
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,042
         Now, see here.

19
00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:46,678
    Croquet happened to be
    Melmac's biggest sport.

20
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,048
      Only there it was
      called muck sucking.

21
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,617
              ALF.

22
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:53,719
     Hey, I didn't name it.

23
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,122
    - Is it played the same?
    - Exactly.

24
00:00:57,124 --> 00:01:01,560
Except you need four newly-wed
 couples and Bob Eubanks.

25
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,096
    Oh-oh, and the swing
    was slightly different.

26
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:06,498
      Here, I'll show you.
      Block me, Willie.

27
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,700
            [gasps]

28
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,037
           [groaning]

29
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:15,107
     Now you see why it was
     called muck sucking.

30
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,377
        Willie, are you alright?

31
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:19,912
     Ah, I'm not sure. I..

32
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,214
- And I think my shin is broken.
- Oh.

33
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:26,051
  And he said he never played
  this game before.

34
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,420
     Lynn, help me get
     your dad in the house.

35
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,622
Put him on the couch,
 I'll have a look at him there.

36
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,025
       Stay away from me!

37
00:01:33,027 --> 00:01:34,827
       I just wanna help.

38
00:01:34,829 --> 00:01:37,830
    I just wanna be
    a safe distance from you

39
00:01:37,832 --> 00:01:39,731
   if there is such a place.

40
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,134
        [Willie grunts]

41
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:44,937
     Guess it's just you and me,
     you little muck sucker.

42
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:48,574
  I don't wanna play with you,
  ALF, you're too dangerous.

43
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:52,544
                 Oh, what a day.

44
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,913
      First I broke
      Willie's windshield.

45
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,483
Then I broke Willie's power-saw.

46
00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:00,385
      Now, I broke Willie.

47
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:04,690
Sometimes I think the Tanners
 will be better off without me.

48
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:07,059
      Sometimes I wish
      I'd never come here.

49
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:11,263
        I wish, I wish..

50
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:14,133
   I wish I could figure out
   this thing called gravity.

51
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,303
         [theme music]

52
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,901
       [music continues]

53
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,232
      [instrumental music]

54
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,667
              Oh!

55
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:24,736
   A wholly-owned subsidiary.

56
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,172
    You think
    your shin hurts, Wilco.

57
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:30,842
   Take a gander
   at the knot on my noggin.

58
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:33,245
  Will you please pass
  the hearts of palm, father?

59
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:35,314
- Certainly, son.
       - Thank you.

60
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:39,551
      Did the temperature
      just drop in here?

61
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:43,222
   And how did you get Brian
   to eat hearts of palm?

62
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:46,458
Hmm, a perfect compliment
to the steak tartare.

63
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,693
              Hmm.

64
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,494
       Hey, how about
       a little sympathy?

65
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:52,998
I just took a blow that
would've knocked out Mike Tyson.

66
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,700
 - Do you like some more, dear?
 - Oh, thanks, mom.

67
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,501
            Mm-hmm.

68
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,837
     Alright, Cicely Tyson.

69
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:02,641
   Save room for
   the creme brulee everyone.

70
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,910
Oh, I for one, certainly will.

71
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,013
 Well, excuse me for bleeding.

72
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,816
      Wait. What is this?

73
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:13,018
 Freeze out the reckless alien?

74
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,854
      What a lot of food.

75
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,123
   There's certainly gonna be
   a lot left.

76
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:21,193
   We wouldn't have any
   leftovers if we had a dog.

77
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:24,129
    Right, we'd eat
    the dog in one sitting.

78
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:25,297
            Ha! Ha!

79
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:30,202
Isn't anyone gonna get repulsed?

80
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:35,107
 Come on, Tanners, talk to me.

81
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,309
They can't see or hear you, ALF.

82
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,746
           [screams]

83
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,348
Help! Help!
There's a stranger in the house.

84
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:45,050
I've been unveiled.

85
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,286
       They can't see me either.

86
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:49,454
Willie!

87
00:04:51,025 --> 00:04:53,825
      Uh-uh, grease fire.
      Grease fire!

88
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:59,998
Funny, that usually
gets a big reaction.

89
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,934
       - Believe me now?
       - No.

90
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,736
I don't believe any of this.

91
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:07,139
       - Who are you?
       - My name is Bob.

92
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:10,475
   - I'm your guardian angel.
   - Right.

93
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,377
   And I'm the Easter alien.

94
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,747
     Well, I don't have all day.

95
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,784
       - Are you ready?
       - Ready for what?

96
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:21,019
    To start your new life,
    I'm here to grant you

97
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:23,021
the wish you made
       this morning.

98
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,925
      You got me a date
      with Sheena Easton?

99
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,328
   Do you recall these words

100
00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:31,963
       "I wish that I had
       a different life?"

101
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,099
       I never said that.

102
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:36,268
 Oh, alright, I'm paraphrasing!

103
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:40,205
       If you must know
       your exact words..

104
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,376
   "Sometimes I wish
   that I'd never come here.

105
00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,611
     I wish, I wish. Bonk."

106
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,447
           Y.. Bonk?

107
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,716
      Oh, yes, that's when
      the mallet hit you.

108
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,584
      Now, do you remember
saying that?

109
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:55,454
     I say so many things.

110
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,289
    I'm a Scorpio, you know?

111
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,759
       Well, your wish
       has been granted.

112
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,194
    History has been revised

113
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:06,498
  and your life with
  the Tanners never happened.

114
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,101
      But I've wished
      for a lot of things.

115
00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:12,037
    How come this is the one
    you're giving me?

116
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:15,107
      It's a new law.
      The Capra Amendment.

117
00:06:15,109 --> 00:06:18,009
      Anyone who asks for
      a new life gets one.

118
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,178
Colorization is optional.

119
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:23,548
      Yeah, well,
      we better be going.

120
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:25,784
Uh, yeah, okay, fine.

121
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,420
Um, just give me
a minute to say goodbye.

122
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,656
      Alright, I give up.

123
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,191
      You made your point.

124
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:36,395
 Tell the guy from ghost-o-gram
 over there to go home.

125
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:40,966
      It's no use, ALF,
      they can't see you.

126
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:43,468
    If you don't believe me,
    look in the mirror.

127
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,304
      [indistinct chatter]

128
00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:50,475
      Strange. I thought
      I broke that mirror.

129
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:51,843
                     Look again.

130
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:56,314
  It is broken.
  I don't see our reflections.

131
00:06:57,418 --> 00:07:00,619
Eek! We're vampires!

132
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,053
No, we're not vampires.

133
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,321
   We don't cast reflections

134
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:05,924
     because we don't exist
     in this place.

135
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,261
Well, if I don't exist

136
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:12,364
these poor people
must be miserable.

137
00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:14,399
     You know, our lives
     have turned out better

138
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:17,202
   than I ever dreamed
   would have been possible.

139
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:20,705
 I agree, we have two wonderful
 kids, comfortable income

140
00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:24,075
  this great house
  with no aliens living in it.

141
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,710
You made them say that.

142
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:27,078
        - No, I didn't.
        - Yes, you did.

143
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,213
           - Did not.
- Did to.

144
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,749
           - Nuh-uh.
           - Uh-huh.

145
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,418
  Oh, by the way,
  thanks again for the Maserati.

146
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:34,553
       Hmm. Our pleasure.

147
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:37,355
      Is it okay if I give
      Julie my Porsche?

148
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,157
       - Oh, sure, honey.
       - Thanks.

149
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:42,394
It's her birthday
and I forgot to get her a card.

150
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:47,466
      Okay, so they've got
      a little more money.

151
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,500
        [doorbell dings]

152
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,168
          I'll get it.

153
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:55,540
Aren't you gonna ask me
to hide in the kitchen, Willie?

154
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,275
     Hi, guys, come on in.

155
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,312
Brian has friends?

156
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,547
    They couldn't come over
    when you lived here.

157
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:05,517
Come on out back,
we just got a new slide.

158
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,488
 They're excited about a slide?

159
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:13,291
      - Big deal.
      - It's a pool slide.

160
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:15,694
     Well, their yard isn't
     big enough for a pool.

161
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,395
           It is now.

162
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:21,066
They bought the Ochmonek's house
and tore it down.

163
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,668
   The Ochmonek's moved away?

164
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,837
          Not exactly.

165
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,040
  Your after dinner tea,
  <i> monsieur, fraulein, senorita?</i>

166
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,509
           <i> - Merci.</i>
<i> - Danke.</i>

167
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:31,543
                       <i> Gracias.</i>

168
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,515
  Don't tell me, they live in
  the servants quarters?

169
00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:38,383
            Exactly.

170
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:41,052
   Well, how did the Tanners
   get all this money?

171
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,688
   Without you around,
   there were fewer expenses.

172
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,824
      And you weren't here
      to accidentally eat

173
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,593
    Willie's lottery ticket.

174
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:52,197
       Hey, I thought it
       was a Wheat Thin.

175
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,866
  Well, if I don't live here,
  where do I live?

176
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,868
      What's my life like?

177
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,971
Oh, it's a wonderful life.

178
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,674
 Would you like a sneak preview?

179
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,175
No.

180
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,577
      [instrumental music]

181
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,650
Where are we?

182
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:14,119
             Cosmique Cosmetics.

183
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:17,322
 Oh, good,
 I'm almost out of Henna Rinse.

184
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:21,927
   - This is where you work.
   - Work?

185
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,062
    You mean in my new life
    I have a job?

186
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,031
              Yes.

187
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,066
   But I'm a domestic alien.

188
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,035
     See, I belong at home.

189
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,603
   Guarding the refrigerator

190
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:34,739
   monitoring TV programming
   for the children.

191
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:38,677
 Nevertheless, this is your
new life and in it, you work.

192
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,881
We're falling behind
in our hourly quota.

193
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:44,249
   I better speed this thing up.

194
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:47,385
           You know how the boss
           feels about quotas.

195
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,854
Oh, sounds like
a great place to work.

196
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,556
Thanks a lot, Bob-O.

197
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,026
              Maybe I should let
              you meet the boss.

198
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,361
             You might like him.

199
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:59,898
   No, you don't understand.
   I can't work.

200
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,167
 It'll put me in a tax bracket.

201
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,070
         - Ready to go?
         - No.

202
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,938
            [snaps]

203
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,240
I really wish I could do that.

204
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,610
Only angels can
transport themselves.

205
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:15,447
 - No, I mean snap my fingers.
 - 'Oh.'

206
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:19,017
Well, this is the boss's office.

207
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,719
       What do you think?

208
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:24,756
         It could use a skylight
         and a deli counter.

209
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:27,359
And they say you're shallow.

210
00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:30,495
   Look, Bob-O, I have
   enough anxiety in my life

211
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:33,832
 without taking orders
 from some slave driving jerk.

212
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,468
        Freddy! Freddy!

213
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,536
      Who do you think
      you're kidding, huh?

214
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:42,874
 Your report was a mockery
of a travesty of a fake sham.

215
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:45,010
 Unless you think
 you can live on unemployment.

216
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,646
       You better fix it.
       To it pronto.

217
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,419
Well, what do you think?

218
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:59,190
    I think he's an incredibly
    handsome slave driving jerk.

219
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,830
     Send in Mavis Winkler.

220
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,502
          - Impressed?
          - Yeah.

221
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,438
        That suit makes
        my body look like a "V".

222
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:21,479
I have the financial statements
for last quarter, Mr. Shumway.

223
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,615
Thank you, Mavis.
How are we doing?

224
00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:28,153
      Sales are up 122%
over the previous quarter.

225
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,789
     The cost of good sold
     declined by 30%

226
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:33,058
   since we fully depreciated
   the Peoria plant.

227
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,693
     - And the projected--
     - Ho ho ho.

228
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,362
     Pull over and stay
     in the vehicle, Mavis.

229
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:40,331
   - What's the bottom line?
   - You're rich.

230
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,901
          - How rich?
          - So rich.

231
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,671
    I maybe rich
    but I'm not rich enough.

232
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:49,674
 - Raise prices immediately.
 - I'll get right on that, sir.

233
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:52,711
Never mind.
I'll handle it myself.

234
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,447
Mary Elizabeth, can you
    please come right in?

235
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,558
          Take a memo.

236
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:12,230
   How did I become
   this captain of industry?

237
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,432
Well, when you arrived on Earth

238
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:18,103
you crashed into the cosmetics
section of Bloomingdale's.

239
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,238
Blue radiator fluid
from your space craft

240
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,308
leaked into a couple
of empty cosmetics bottles.

241
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,543
Well, Jackie Onassis bought one.

242
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:29,280
The other was allegedly
purchased by Bess Myerson.

243
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,682
Well, Jackie wore the perfume

244
00:12:30,684 --> 00:12:33,418
to Leona Helmsley's
New Year's Eve party.

245
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:36,254
Well, Leona flipped
for the fragrance

246
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,456
and she asked Donald Trump
to take a sniff.

247
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,359
       Alright, alright.
       I got the picture.

248
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:45,029
   Gee, give a man eternity
   and he talks your ear off.

249
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:46,731
Anyway to make
a long story short

250
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:50,769
your radiator fluid is now
America's most popular perfume.

251
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,238
Shumway Number 5.

252
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:57,008
     Huh. Did I do anything
     with my axle grease?

253
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,511
Shumway lip gloss.

254
00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:02,013
How about my carburetor sludge?

255
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:04,549
Preparation Shumway.

256
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:07,152
     And all I had to do
is wish for all this?

257
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,787
  No starting in the mailroom?

258
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,655
     No marrying the boss's
     ugly daughter?

259
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,624
        - None of that?
        - That's right.

260
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:16,127
 And I don't have to hide from
 the Alien Task Force anymore?

261
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,629
The president called them off

262
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,999
when you put the federal deficit
on your gold card.

263
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:24,903
          Okay, Bob. You win.
          This life looks great.

264
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,871
                     Sign me up.

265
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,306
             [snap]

266
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,408
        [keys clanking]

267
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,310
I'll just get this paperwork
out of the way

268
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,679
and it's a done deal.

269
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:38,116
      Try not to panic, Bob,
      but I think we're on fire.

270
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,551
Huh?

271
00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:42,754
     Oh, don't worry.
     Those are just clouds.

272
00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:46,491
 Well, I guess I've looked
 at these from both sides now.

273
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,928
        [plane droning]

274
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,663
           Is it my imagination?

275
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:56,134
          Or did a 747
          just go by...under us.

276
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:59,003
A clear violation
of our air space.

277
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,672
I'll make a note.

278
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:06,311
      Look, it's Michael Landon.

279
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:10,248
      Hey, you.
      Get off of my cloud.

280
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,851
         Ha ha.
Oh, I kill me.

281
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:18,356
"Incidentally, your hobby
is racing Learjets.

282
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,759
"Last book read, 'Zen and
the Art of Acquisitions.'

283
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:25,697
Favorite quote, 'Greed Works.'"

284
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:28,333
    You know, this new life
    is gonna be great.

285
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,669
       I'm gonna be rich,
       drive a big car.

286
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,806
      Make a note.
      Call Sheena Easton.

287
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:37,108
    No, no, first I'll call
    the Tanners

288
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,310
and invite them over for pizza.

289
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,679
 Then we'll call Sheena Easton.

290
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:44,349
I'm afraid that isn't possible.

291
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,885
           Well, fine.
Then call Kelly Girl.

292
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,287
     Tell them to send over
     Kelly McGillis

293
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,589
       and Kelly Lebrock.

294
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,826
  I mean you won't be able
  to invite the Tanners over.

295
00:14:54,828 --> 00:14:57,495
    After the transition
    you won't remember them.

296
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,497
        Oh, sure I will.

297
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,466
     Just because I'm gonna
     be rich doesn't mean

298
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,501
 I'll forget the little people.

299
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:04,869
I'm afraid you will, ALF.

300
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,571
You'll forget the Tanners
and everything

301
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,973
about your former life.

302
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:11,242
Oh, everyone's a little
nervous at first.

303
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:15,313
I'm sure you're going to be
very happy in your new life.

304
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:19,017
Oh, I can't imagine being happy
in a life without the Tanners.

305
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,252
     Oh, come off it, ALF.

306
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,021
    Think of your secretary

307
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,555
  think of your profit margins

308
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,658
 think of your other secretary.

309
00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:29,594
And you saw how well the Tanners
were doing without you.

310
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,797
  Well, I guess you're right.

311
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:37,201
  But can I at least go back
  and see them one last time?

312
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:41,139
I've got to join
a frequent flier club.

313
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,440
            [snaps]

314
00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:52,717
       The engram gambit.

315
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,754
I'm not sure I'm going
  to be able to counter that.

316
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:58,756
         Do what I do!

317
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:02,493
   Wait for her to look away,
   then eat the horse.

318
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,699
        Mother, father.

319
00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:09,801
  How was the bassoon lesson,
  Lynn?

320
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,570
   Teacher said my embouchure
   is getting better.

321
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,540
            Well, until it does,
            don't breathe on me!

322
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,176
                Wonderful, dear.

323
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,511
       Without me around

324
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:23,047
     all the straight lines
     are going to waste.

325
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,918
         Well, I'm off.

326
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,554
   Going out back to the driving
range, are you, Brian?

327
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,956
Yes, I've got to work
on my slice.

328
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:37,228
Tell me again, father,
why do I enjoy golf so?

329
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,563
            Because it gives you
            an opportunity

330
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:40,765
 to cultivate business contacts,
 my boy.

331
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,835
Oh, yes.
Thank you, father.

332
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:49,674
Golf? Business contacts?

333
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,543
Brian's supposed to be a kid,
not a republican.

334
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,613
Nobody's having
any fun around here.

335
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:59,017
I haven't heard anybody laugh
in the last five minutes.

336
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,920
         Oh, Katherine,
         did I tell you the joke

337
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:07,925
about the elephant's footprints
 in...the cheesecake?

338
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:11,863
No, I don't believe you did.

339
00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:14,499
             Well..

340
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:16,467
       How do you know..

341
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:22,073
 ...when an elephant
 has been in your refrigerator?

342
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:25,109
              How?

343
00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:30,748
  You'll find his footprints..

344
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:34,685
     ...in the cheesecake.

345
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,123
             I see.

346
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,693
This is pathetic.

347
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:45,263
The Tanner's aren't
better off without me.

348
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,231
         They're bored.

349
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:50,234
        Worse than that,
        they're boring!

350
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,702
    They don't seem unhappy.

351
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,871
  Well, that's because
they don't know any better.

352
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,240
      I'm not around
      to liven things up.

353
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,478
           You know, Katherine..

354
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:04,048
 As wonderful as our lives are..

355
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:08,886
  ...I sometimes get the feeling
  that something's missing.

356
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:12,690
Now that you've mentioned it,
I've been feeling the same way.

357
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,525
   - You made them say that.
   - No, I didn't.

358
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,626
        - Yes, you did.
        - Did not.

359
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:16,894
           - Did to.
           - Nuh-uh.

360
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,529
            Uh-huh.

361
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:22,233
           [creaking]

362
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,202
       [glass shattering]

363
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,272
Why did you do that, dear?

364
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,874
           Every once in a while

365
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:33,377
     I just feel the need
     to hear something breaking.

366
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:36,013
  - I told you they'd miss me!
  - Don't be ridiculous.

367
00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:39,083
  - They don't even know you.
  - Okay, then they need me.

368
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:43,221
Look at Willie. The poor guy
has to break everything himself.

369
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,564
  Will there be anything else?

370
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:58,703
      Would you be so kind
      as to belch for us?

371
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,974
            [burps]

372
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,676
       Thank you, Raquel.

373
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,712
          No problem.

374
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,616
That's disgusting!

375
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:14,652
You wanted to say goodbye.
  I think you should say it now.

376
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,355
       I changed my mind.
       I'm not leaving.

377
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,857
     And you can't make me.

378
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:20,758
            [snaps]

379
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,894
              I stand corrected.

380
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:28,132
       - Sign here.
       - I'm not signing.

381
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,701
Well, have it your way.

382
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:32,937
It's a mere formality, anyway.

383
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,705
       Look, the Tanner's
       aren't better off

384
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,375
     just because
     they have more money.

385
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:38,776
   And I don't wanna be rich

386
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,145
  if it means,
  I'll never get to see them.

387
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:43,848
It's the people
    in your life that count.

388
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,417
    Not the material things.

389
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:48,719
         What is this,
         "Family Ties?"

390
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,990
    Well, at the very least,
    someone's gotta teach

391
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,293
that Willie how to tell a joke.

392
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:58,529
      It's too late, ALF.
      What's done is done.

393
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,765
        Well, forget it.
        I'm not going.

394
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,233
       I know my rights.

395
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:05,703
       - Get me a lawyer.
       - This is heaven.

396
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,439
   There are no lawyers here.

397
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,308
Prepare to enter your new life.

398
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,742
      No! No! Wait! Wait!

399
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:13,678
This, this whole thing
          is a mistake.

400
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,814
                The deal is off!
                The deal is off!

401
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:19,850
                The deal is off!

402
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:26,424
       The deal is off..
       The deal is off.

403
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,526
    I think he's waking up.

404
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,061
              ALF.

405
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,395
              ALF!

406
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,797
   Can you, can you hear me?

407
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:37,134
     Auntie Em? Auntie Em?

408
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,237
          Is that you?

409
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:42,707
  Pay no attention to the man
  behind the curtain.

410
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:46,177
  It's Kate.
  It's Kate. Are you alright?

411
00:20:46,179 --> 00:20:47,645
       Well, I think so.

412
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:50,581
Aah! Ow!

413
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,950
           We worried about you.

414
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:54,352
              Oh!

415
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,254
             Brian!

416
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:58,089
          Kate. Kate!

417
00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,991
             Lynn!

418
00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:02,460
   Willie! Willie, I'm back!

419
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:04,629
       Bob sent me back!

420
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,364
           Who's Bob?

421
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:07,965
       My guardian angel.

422
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,935
   See, I wished I never
   crashed into your garage.

423
00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:13,638
 So, Bob took me away from you.

424
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,774
   And Willie smoked a pipe.

425
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:20,845
  ALF, you were just dreaming.

426
00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:23,414
 We found you in the backyard.

427
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:25,583
You were unconscious.

428
00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:27,351
You were sucking muck.

429
00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:30,788
Yeah, you must have
      knocked yourself out

430
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:33,090
    with the croquet mallet.

431
00:21:33,092 --> 00:21:35,660
I'm sorry
I yelled at you, ALF.

432
00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:37,428
We were really worried.

433
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:39,297
We thought you might have..

434
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:41,899
      - Well, you know..
      - Kicked the bucket?

435
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,568
                Bit the big one.

436
00:21:44,570 --> 00:21:46,637
           Bought the box condo.

437
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,439
  Checked into the Maggot Motel.

438
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:49,640
Enough.

439
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,208
       Takin' a dirt nap?

440
00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:52,843
             Ahem!

441
00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:55,179
           I'm done.

442
00:21:55,181 --> 00:21:59,684
ALF, I couldn't imagine what
life would be like without you.

443
00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:02,320
Believe me,
you don't wanna know.

444
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:05,323
       By the way.
       Do we have a pool?

445
00:22:06,259 --> 00:22:07,758
              No.

446
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,694
It doesn't matter.

447
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,729
I'm home now.

448
00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:14,965
  The Maserati's probably not
  happening either, right?

449
00:22:17,603 --> 00:22:19,804
  Are you sure you're alright?

450
00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:22,173
   Hey, what could be wrong?

451
00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,041
   I'm here with my Tanners.

452
00:22:24,043 --> 00:22:26,077
  Everything's back to normal.

453
00:22:26,079 --> 00:22:28,546
    Just the way I like it.

454
00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:32,450
  A gift for you, Willie,
  from the bottom of my heart.

455
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:33,651
       [glass shattering]

456
00:22:33,653 --> 00:22:35,553
        Don't thank me.

457
00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:40,391
        Popcorn.
        I need popcorn.

458
00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:42,460
[instrumental music]

459
00:22:44,597 --> 00:22:46,197
      [instrumental music]

460
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,335
 - Are you almost ready, dear?
 - 'I'll be right out.'

461
00:22:51,337 --> 00:22:55,172
     Hello. Bloomingdale's
     Perfume Department?

462
00:22:55,174 --> 00:22:59,009
    Yeah, I have your next
    tremendous seller here.

463
00:22:59,011 --> 00:23:00,811
 This stuff will be on the nape

464
00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:03,314
      of every female neck
      in the nation.

465
00:23:03,316 --> 00:23:06,083
      - 'Aah!'
      - Hold on a second.

466
00:23:11,958 --> 00:23:14,525
  What do you know about this?

467
00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:17,261
      I notice it doesn't
      absorb very well.

468
00:23:18,631 --> 00:23:20,865
     Smells like radiator fluid.

469
00:23:23,636 --> 00:23:27,538
 Hello? Could you transfer me
to your automotive department?

470
00:23:29,876 --> 00:23:31,442
         [theme music]

471
00:23:33,012 --> 00:23:35,179
         [theme music]

472
00:24:00,973 --> 00:24:03,307
        <i> [ALF laughing]</i>